Ken Lay. Richard Nixon. Bill Clinton. Michael Jordan (in his capacity as the Hornets’ owner). These people share a common denominator--they’re responsible for bringing disrespect and/or ruin to the organizations that they headed or, in Jordan’s case, currently head. To breed the disgust and shame with which they are associated, these “leaders” engaged in scandalous, reckless, or grossly negligent behavior. I’ll include one more: Bill O’Brien (hereinafter referred to as “Ass Clown”), the current head coach and general manager of the Houston Texans, and the buffoon who appears to be intentionally dismantling my favorite team. Ass Clown earned the hell out of his spot.
I’ve seen some bad trades and I’ve seen some baffling trades, but NEVER in my history as a football fan have I witnessed an atrocity comparable to the recent Deandre Hopkins trade. Ass Clown, after a reportedly “tense” meeting with Hopkins, dealt the superstar wide receiver (along with a future fourth round pick) to the Arizona Cardinals for, essentially, a bag of chips. I’m referring to David Johnson--a running back with one Pro Bowl season under his belt, followed by two mediocre seasons--and a 2020 second round pick. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the NFL, this was grand larceny by the Cardinals. The offensive wizard Kliff Kingsbury can now pair up-and-coming star QB Kyler Murray with the best wide receiver in the game, while the Texans lost their best player, leaving QB Deshaun Watson stranded on an island with nobody to save him. The Ass Clown tenure (2014-present) has been nothing but a bad trip for Houston fans, and it seems that the franchise will never escape this infernal rollercoaster thanks to the long-term effects of Ass Clown’s horrible decision-making. It’s almost as if a seven-year-old is controlling the Texans on Madden’s franchise mode, thoughtlessly swapping picks and players with predictably devastating results. Since being promoted to GM last year, Ass Clown has made some questionable decisions (the Jadeveon Clowney trade, for one), but none compares to the Hopkins trade.
I’m not gonna lie: when I first saw that the Texans were trading for David Johnson, I was pretty excited. He was in a rough situation in Arizona because of a committee backfield, so I figured we’d bring him in as our new feature back and revitalize his once-exciting career. After all, journeyman Carlos Hyde entered the backfield last year and blew away everyone’s expectations, rumbling to a thousand-yard season. “Maybe we traded away a D-Lineman, or possibly even a depth linebacker,” I thought to my naive self. Then the full details of the trade came in, shocking me as the invading Germans shocked the French when they goose-stepped through Paris in 1940. My text conversation with my co-Houstonian older brother Joe--also a Texans fan since the birth of the franchise in 2002--turned into an Ass Clown spit-roast. Joe summed it up nicely with the short, but viscerally-true statement “OB is a f--ing clown.” I’m betting this isn’t the first time that phrase has been uttered, and I guarantee you it won’t be the last, given the ignorance, or gutlessness, that Cal McNair has displayed while “managing” Ass Clown. The Knife of Pain was shoved deeper into my gut in the ensuing days, as the Minnesota Vikings acquired a basket of picks--including a first round pick, which Hopkins was certainly worth--from Buffalo for WR Stefon Diggs. Players, coaches, and fans across the league openly laughed at the Texans, and former Texans players came out in harsh criticism of Ass Clown. To make matters worse, disturbing information emerged about Hopkins’ and Ass Clown’s tense meeting, with Ass Clown apparently comparing Hopkins to Aaron Hernandez, the loathsome former Patriots tight end and convicted murderer. This comparison was completely unfounded and insulting--no wonder Hopkins had a grudge against this moron masquerading as a head coach and GM. It feels as if I’m living in some sort of Cleveland-esque football nightmare. Hell, I’d rather suffer through two-win seasons every year, with at least the solace of a high draft pick, than the typical nine-win seasons and subsequent first round playoff losses that Ass Clown manages year after year. Mediocrity shouldn’t be rewarded with continued employment. It seems like Ass Clown thinks of himself as some sort of mini Bill Belichick (Ass Clown came from Belichick’s coaching tree), trading star players away for draft capital and seeking out “diamonds in the rough” who turn out (in Ass Clown’s case) to be bums. Someone needs to slap Ass Clown in the face (multiple times) and tell him that he is not, in fact, Bill Belichick.
The aftermath of this trade will be a massive decline in the Texans’ passing offense and likely the departure of Deshaun Watson, a free agent in 2021, from the franchise. I can’t see Deshaun being pleased with his top target and close friend being shipped away to the desert. On the other hand, the presence of Hopkins in Arizona will accelerate young Kyler Murray’s development, which should excite all NFL fans (aside from those in the NFC West). Riding with the Texans has been tough from the start, but this takes the cake for rock-bottom. Hey, I may sound like a fair-weather fan, but I’ll be largely tuned-out this season and I won’t fully tune back in until the cancerous Bill O’Brien is gone. I’m also a fan of pizza, but I wouldn’t eat one that’s maggot-infested.